.::happy 2013::.

// Things I've been doing \\

recent & not-so-recent

group show in Delaware

 finger knitting necklaces

Anthropologie garment release

things I'm moving onto:

• more pattern making
• drawing new things
• starting my paper white bulbs - Spring is coming!!
• making new fabric sculptures (see below)
• moving (as in permanently changing houses) and therefore packing
• brainstorming (and agreeing with boyfriend on) realistic summer vacation
• restarting my regular yoga practice
• getting an art-related job
• reading How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran - I highly recommend 

New Panty Series 

lacy pants

 front//back

 mini picnic thong

front//back

 easy

open//closed

Garment 1 - private parts not included

(original)

up hill both ways

keep your chin up buttercup.
just smile, sunshine.

the longer you smile, the more my heart hurts.
just don't fall into indifference.

once, i loved it enough to invest two years of my life doing nothing but it.
once, i loved it enough to sign my financial future over to doing it.
i trusted myself to make it work.  hurting everyday i don't put efforts towards making it work.  
overwhelmed with guilt and overcome with homesickness.

----

as december tippy toes closer and closer, i feel the crushing weight of loan payment responsibilities.  i think about my un-visited studio. i wonder what i'd be making if i'd never stopped.  i wonder what i'll make when i start making again.


keep your chin up.
this isn't as good as it get.

re-arrangment

Life is about as new and unexpected as it has ever been for me.

I have [most likely] no educational goals left.
As it stands, I head towards being an artist.  And as that stands, it's about unstable as a wine glass in the back of a pick up truck driving down Durkee Road in my hometown. yes.

I've made some major life changes and decisions.  Some of which I said I'd never do. On her 21st birthday, my sister and I got tattoos together of our grandmother's handwriting.  A few days previous to that, I bought a bike.

Getting a bike has been the best decision of 2012.
It's the ultimate freedom that I don't think I have ever experienced.  When I was a kid, I'd spend so many minutes of the summer on my bike.  However, it was different; I had a very short leash, since my mom was the over protective type.  Buying a bike now hasn't been a source of entertainment, though it's now one of my favorite things to do - it was like buying my next car.  I sold my car last year, and have been relying on public transit ever since.  Talk about a short leash!  Nothing but absolute frustration and anger, surrounding every trip.  Matilda (as I've decided to name my Schwinn road bike) has become a permanent installation in my life, I feel an ultimate sense of freedom.  When I am on her, cruising down the street, I feel like I'm flying.  I'd like to go forever.  To be able to jump on her, and go anywhere - fast...Matilda has come at the perfect time.  It's a freedom I really needed right now.

quick update

summer time has come with small, intermittent breaks from busy life.  my job is feeling more natural, and less stressful in various ways.  however, it's time consuming and exhausting.  for the first time, i'll be glad when summer is over.  my second job will end in august, and i feel i'll be able to move steadily in the direction of a newly-formed studio practice.
i have various things to look forward to -- a girls night next week, a weekend trip to d.c. in july, and a much needed week in myrtle beach in august (this one still rather pending).
i took a short day trip to the beach on friday.  it was gorgeous, and peaceful, and perfect.  scanning the ground on my walk, i saw so many amazing things.  i can lose track of time most easily on a beach - whether it's trying to take every inch in on a walk, or drifting off to sleep as the waves crash.  it was a nice recharge, and i look forward to my next ultra-mini-pocket-sized-vacation.

retrograde

no more going through the motions
no more sleep walking
no more baggage

I feel there's so much I carry with me; maybe from a past life, maybe engrained in me by parental figures.  I am done with the ritualistic and nearly automated responses to everything in my life.
I take responsibility for my actions, however, I don't fully understand why I have the equal emotional reactions to similar situations.  Jealousy, bitterness, hatred, ill-will.

Like in my yoga practice.
No more going through the motions, sleep walking, aware-less-ness.
Intention and response and awareness all of the time.  Exhausting my mental faculties, if necessary.
Considering emotional or irrational responses.  Understanding and accepting that I am only human, and breaking bad habits takes time and practice.  Offering myself options of how to respond.  Practicing patience.

practice
Something I talk about a lot recently.  It makes me feel good.  As if I don't need to have everything [or anything] figured out.  Maybe not now, maybe never.  Maybe someday.  Still, allowing a margin.
Ceasing to live in a patterned state, blindly following the circle I've trampled down in the grass.  Moving towards the outer edges of my emotions and cognitive awareness.

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